Loss

It is now Sunday evening and I have not seen my cat since Thursday morning. It seems I may have to accept that my friend of 18 years has left this world. I know he is only a cat, but this particular cat was my close companion, sitting on my lap in the evening and sitting with me at every opportunity. I will miss him and today I find myself in a quiet place of reflection.

Dealing with loss is sometimes difficult, especially when it involves someone close. My own parents are dead, and so are most of my uncles and aunts, only one remains on both sides of the family. However the loss of some people is more difficult to accept than others. I watched my own parents grow old and when they passed the affect was minimal. I don’t wish to sound cold, but I knew them both as health active adults, and it was hard to see them fade away and slowly lose their grip on life. A few years ago a close aunt passed away, this, I noted, had a far greater impact on me than my own parents. It took some time but I realized that this aunt represented a reference point in my life, a lighthouse by which I could navigate.

The loss of my close friend ‘the cat’ has once more brought home to me the feelings of loss. That it cuts deep into my heart and leaves me in a quiet place or reflection. The empty food bowl, the greetings I got when I arrived home, the cat quietly sitting on my lap, purring, and demanding food.

There is more change happening in my life also, the wheel of life is turning, some doors are closing, while others are opening up. Acceptance is the key so I am advised. Acceptance that life is a wheel that turns, change is inevitable, so why do we cling on to old stuff, habits, and beliefs, even the ones that do not work. I know that I resist change. I like things to remain the same. I call it security by familiarity. I like the new stuff, new family members, and new movies. Yet when it comes to loss it is still difficult to accept and I resist it.

Several months ago, I willingly embarked on a completely new way of living. One that excites me, it also at the same time terrifies me. There is personal risk involved when change is brought about in big movements. So why, when I want it so much, does it scare me so. When change happens it also includes loss, we step into the unknown from the familiar to the unfamiliar. There have even been days when the very thought that change may result in the loss of the one I love, prevents me from making the very change that enables me to love her more. How is that for resistance? I could go through life resisting all the good things through fear of losing them and envy those who do.  

The other day, a mentor of mine asked me to think on Envy. Well I immediately went away thinking how the heck can I do that with any great success? Well as it turns out, now I can see that fear of loss and envy, are two sides of the same coin. I have lived most of my life holding on to what I have and at the same time envy those who have what I desire. In other words, I cannot have what I want when I fear losing what I have. Progress or Growth can only occur by passing from one door to the next, and yes we risk losing everything we have in doing so but cannot grow unless we do.

When all said and done, and the account book of my life is brought before my maker, the only thing I take with me is what I have learned and the sum total of my thoughts and deeds. Am I to meet my maker and confess that I did nothing through fear of loss and that I spent all my life in envy of others and did not honor my own self. Ouch.

What defines me is not what I own, or even who I have loved. I am defined by the love I have in my heart and the use of the gifts given to me by my maker. I am not defined by my memory, only that I am the sum total of my thoughts and deeds.

To my old friend, the cat, thank you for being my faithful friend for 18 years, and for teaching me the meaning of loss and envy. Through his passing, I have been taught that fear of loss and envy are just two sides of the same coin. Because I cannot envy those who have what I have no fear of losing. That loss is a natural part of growth, if I fear loss I cannot grow.

The life force

 

I have been reading a book entitled ‘In Resonance with Nature’. In the first few chapters it is describing the energy fields of pants and trees. Up until Easter, I would have read this book and written it off as a load of naturalistic babble, written by an outright base tea drinking, tree hugger. That is how cynical I was, now however it is a different story. I have felt the power of the elementals from the place where water, air and land join, in the parks where grand Oaks stand. I have felt it in good places that lift the spirit and dark places that drain the spirit. There are defiantly forces out there, all around us, in nature where things are alive.

In the book it describes how to read the health of a stand of trees or a forest, by the strength of the field the trees give off. If the stand is healthy the field from each tree extends and overlaps with adjoining trees which forms a combined force, if the trees are not healthy then the fields’ contract and they lose their combined strength which allows disease or competitive life to intrude. When the force is strong the trees form a barrier to unwanted life.

During the week, instead of going to a business group meeting, I took a walk through Albert Park in the CBD. Walking around the park, I walked up to each tree and stood with my back to it. Some trees were indifferent, some were not. The Pohutukawa, a native of New Zealand, is, I think, a nurturing tree, kind and loving and has a soft warm field. The Oaks however, every single one, draw me in and held me in a warm embrace, which I can only describe as faint without the nauseas feeling.

Today I walked through the Auckland Domain, or a portion of it, with my loved one, first a stand of Pohutukawa, then a stand of Burch, and then a large stand of Oak trees. Standing in the middle of the Oaks, some 30feet from any one tree, we could still feel the strong embrace.

According to the book and my rather knowledgeable friend, all life has force, and Oak for instance have a single energy force they use to communicate and learn from, a collective life force, If you like. Of this I now have no doubt, natural places and trees and all life have a life force. Animals too, have a life force, Humans being no exception.

Places have memory and collect energy. A good place feels good, plat life thrives, and people feel good and leave a ‘good feeling’ trace behind. Dark places are the opposite, and generally plants don’t thrive there either.

I saw that this weekend, being in three different places in one day. The first house is filled with love and light, consciously created and nurtured for the health and wellness of its occupants, the second place was a historic place where no one lives, however there are visitors every day, the house felt good but empty. Then the third place, where there has been recent tension and a teenager playing war games on Xbox in the lounge, this place was horrid to visit in contrast, and I could not wait to get out of it.

This part is simply extraordinary, before we left, we cleansed the house with light to restore its good feeling, and you might think this hocus-pocus. Today I return to this house and it feels much better, it is where I live, so I also filled it with the love and positive energy collected in the Domain from the Oak trees. Now it feels good and clear.

It seems I have either become a base tea drinking, tree hugger, or it is fact and real. I have seen and felt first hand, demonstrated in physical form, that every living thing is subject to a life force, and that places have memory, and that we can leave behind either good thoughts (light) or bad thoughts like disregard or anger (darkness).

All life is interconnected and dependant on the environment, both seen and unseen, for its own health and well being. This comes back to a balance. Live will always find balance, the question is; is it a good balance? Can we continue with this mindless existence, we are only just becoming aware of polluting the atmosphere with toxic byproducts, but what of our own human collective conscious, can we continue this madness, mindless existence of greed and ignorance, destroying and consuming the very planet that supports us, polluting the collective consciousness with greed, anger, self interest. What if our life force is becoming weaker, what if it is already sick. What if it is too late to save? This is too much for me to ignore or to blindly walk away from.

Knowing

Is there a difference between Knowing and Knowledge? I believe there is. I can read a book or read information from the internet or any other medium and that is knowledge. I can go to a university and complete a Degree or Masters and acquire a mountain of knowledge, but that is all it is. Knowing something comes from the heart. Knowing is freedom, freedom from confusion and doubt, freedom from oppression and victimisation, from all the dark forces.

Within myself there is a battle between light and darkness that has been raging all my life, a battle between rational thought and unconscious beliefs. I have fought this battle even with the knowledge of light but without knowing or having ever stood in light.

The difference now is that even when I stand in the darkness with all the darkness and internal dialog, I can now stand there knowing that the light is also within me and that it is much stronger than the darkness and I need only ask for it to shine. It is as simple as opening the door and walking into the sunlight.

The difficulty is that when standing in the darkness, it envelops me and shrouds the light; it tells me that there is no light or the light is false. It is after all a very familiar place. It also hides the door to the light. What is happening is that the subconscious is fighting for survival.

The last four months has been an exciting and an eliminating experience where many things have happened and I have learned about the light to the point where I know it. I now stand on the cusp of possibly the most important phase of my life, the doing of my purpose in this life. Life has never been better. So why does the darkness descend now?

Its fighting for survival, telling me that I am not entitled to it, I’m not good enough, what’s the point, you will stuff it up anyway, that sort of thing. I have been listening to it all day. Well I also made a choice earlier today and that was to open the door to the light, I asked for help, and what do you know, I am now standing in light again, dim light but light there is.

The subconscious is a powerful devil, hell bent on maintaining control, to maintain its dominance and preserve the ego, because if it loses it will die. Well I chose to follow the light. This is not the first time I have made this choice, and it is likely not the last.

In summary, I have knowledge of the darkness but now I also have knowing of the light. Knowledge of light is not enough to beat the darkness it must be taken within and accepted in order to know it. The light does not shine from the outside, it shines from within.

Light or Mud, my choice

Recently I was given a program of learning for the winter from an irrefutable source and have commenced it with earnest and an open mind. It concerns becoming and staying in a state of awareness of the present moment.  

I have just returned from an extended Easter break where I took 10 days off and spent part of that out of town by the sea in an intensive tutorial. Returning to the city, I was in such a state of awareness, that I could hear everything, feel everything, even sense the field of energy emanating from the TV’s on standby mode.

Then back at work, I was trying to keep myself aware and in the present and succeeding quite well, until I got hit. Hit with a pile of mud. There is no blame in any of this; it is all my own mud. I got dragged into a conversation with another person who raised one of my work related demons. When I finally left work I was dragging all that mud with me. It was on the 20 minute walk to the car when I realized that I was covered in mud, this is the moment that I became aware again, still covered in mud but aware of it nonetheless.

Now I’m also reading a book recommended by the program where the subject matter concerns being present and aware of the moment. I was reading part of this during the week, but isn’t it funny how things just seem to coincide. Today I was reading about how the mind attaches its identity to the way things are, and the attachment to them, moreover the resistance to change and how that upsets the identity which then proceeds to complain and resist the change.

Woops it seems that I am still mortal and subject to the insanity of attachment to the things that define my identity. This has happened to me many times, being covered in mud and often leads to despair. What made the difference this time was that I became aware of the mud, it was that simple. Now being mortal and a beginner at this awareness thing, it has taken me a few days to shake it off, but shake it off I have.

Now, what have I learned; well things change, as they do when driving a car, there is no point in resisting change as it is the nature of things to change. I accept that in my car and have no attachment to anything on the road, so why not adopt the same approach to my life.

Do you have any idea how silly I feel right now? My life, my very being only exists now, in this present moment, and everything around me is forever changing, it has to, so why resist it.

It is now my resolve to complete this program and accept that the only things in this mortal life that is truly mine, is this moment and the awareness of self in this moment. I chose to step out of the mud and into the light of the present moment in full awareness of myself.

There was one more treasure identified today, and that is that it is OK to feel unhappy or despair just know it and recognize it, be aware of it.

Iterative Cycles

SDLC and Agile development is a methodology that modem software houses use to manage the complexities of developing software. The theory behind agile development is that it is easier to create a large enterprise application with a series of small iterations with manageable workloads and short time lines.

When I look at this from an objective point of view the approach is not limited to software development, it is an approach that has been used for centuries. The one that we are all familiar with is the Calendar, where the year is divided up into months and weeks that are more manageable and when I think about it, it does not stop there, there is an astral body nearby that we rotate around which marks the Year and our mother earth also rotates which marks the day, divided into 24 hours. A year is a long period to grasp and to plan for, but when divided into smaller periods it all becomes manageable. We complete each day, week, and month then hay presto another year has passed into history.

There is another astral body nearby that rotates around us, the moon, that has a 28 day cycle which everyone knows about and we have been using for thousands of years. As the moon cycles and the earth spins and rotates around the sun, the angle of the sun also changes, which gives us the changing seasons. On a daily basis the pull of the moon affects the water on this earth, ergo the tides. As we are mostly water it stands to reason that the Moon also has a tidal affect on us, if not on a daily basis then on a 28 day cycle for sure.

Where am I going with all of this? It is a rather obscure reference I am afraid, but I will try to connect it up for both of us. Here in this country it is the first month of autumn and the whole country is in drought, the land is parched, bone dry, so dry that the air itself is dry. It has been a wonderful summer indeed; it has been wonderful for the wine makers and fruit growers, not so good now for dairy and sheep farmers.

However, something else that has been growing all summer, growing in light, and that is the love between man and woman. It has blossomed into a deep seated love that has changed my very perception of the word. I have tried to define it, it is my nature to do it, and the only way I can express it is to unfold the emotion I have when listening to Beethoven’s Emperor Concerto or the 6^th symphony, or Bruch’s Violin concertos 1 or 2. When the very soul is moved and uplifted just being near such works. Well that is how I feel when in the presence of the woman I love and it seems to just get better.

How here is where mortal life throws in a dose of reality, a bump in the road. Yesterday we hit such a bump. Something happened that pushed both of our buttons and we each reacted in ways that have failed us both in the past. It shocked us both, but this happens to everyone and it will happen to us again. We both agreed that we would find new positive ways to safely navigate these inevitable bumps so they do not pull us apart.

The question is HOW, how do we, how do I unlearn a life time of learned reactions that I learned by observation and practice. Well strangely the answer came to me while listening to an old friend, Beethoven, first the 5^th symphony (allegro con brio), such a stormy affair, rage, frustration, anger. Then the adagio movement from the Piano concerto no.5 Emperor, the light dance and twills, supported by the deep solid base of strings, which brought me to the expression of love and the strong foundation upon which we stand. Then to top this off, the pastoral symphony No.6 Allegretto, which is a warm embrace of a country season where life feels good surrounded by life in full bloom. The final thump came when I heard the Romance No. 2 in F for Violin and Orchestra.

It seems odd that I might find and express the answer to a question in terms of music but this is how it was given to me. Life is a series of cycles and we must and do move through them. Now back to the summer, it turns out that there is a storm brewing, well simple really it is autumn and it cannot be summer forever. What the pastoral movement showed me is that storms wash and clean the earth, and what follows, it always does, is the sun, or when the new day begins all clean and washed. This is a small iteration, just as the seasons change from winter to summer, so too does night into day, rain into sunlight, this is the natural cycle of life.

How then does one change the habitual reaction to bad weather, well, if one is to observe the earth’s cycles and listen to the guineas of Beethoven then it is quite simple, not easy, but simple. First observe the weather but do not react to the weather just observe it and keep the mind focused. Open up to the changing cycles as they are a natural part of life. Always keep the focus on the goal, the objective. In my case it is to live, love and be loved, to do this I must first find love within and that includes my reactions to the weather conditions because I must find that inner balance that enables me to weather the storms and changing seasons so I can enjoy the long summers. When and only when I find inner balance and embrace the changing seasons as part my live, can I find outer balance with the woman I love through the changing seasons and the storms they bring.

As it happens it is a new moon and I am told it is a time for new beginnings, so be it, it is time to drop old habits and allow the autumn and winter to wash them away. Appreciate the simple things and all seasons and all the weather that this world and life can throw at me. Take life in small cycles, one week, a month, or a moon cycle. Be mindful of the weather but true to myself. I must remember that only when I am open can love enter and with that comes all the ups and downs of life, embrace the changes, embrace the storms but hold true, stay the course. For if I shut down and close off to protect myself, I not only lose the woman I love, I also lose myself.

Fulfillment

In a previous post I worked through the feeling of emptiness and how profound the feeling was, well now I wish to talk about the feeling of Fulfillment and how profound and complete the feeling is.

With reference to that previous post, I have since obtained a Stereo and several CDs, some pottery, even an antique cabinet which gives me visual pleasure along with my Mother’s paintings. So I am pleased with the progress in creating my own environment.

However at this point I realize that reference is due to several previous posts because many things have changed in the last few months.

The trip to Algies Bay was cathartic, to say the least because to be welcomed with open arms and embraced by the spirit of the place was wonderful at the time and turns out also healing. This is the point at which I forgave myself and found acceptance of myself, for if the spirit of that place can love me so much then I surrender to it.

I also wish to reference the posting about the balance of life in which I sort a balance within my own life, well it seems that I have found that balance and inner peace with it.  May be it is part of the healing and opening up to life and acceptance of myself, but all the inner chatter, self doubt, and self loathing has subsided and in its place is the total acceptance of self and inner piece of the like I have never known.

Which brings me to a question; why after so many years of turbulent weather is the weather of life now so calm and warm. The realization that ‘As we view ourselves so we view the world’ is true because from the very moment my view of myself changed so too did the view of all things around me.

I could pass the credit on to ‘the loved one’ but I know within myself that I cannot fix anyone else, not even my own children, so she did not do this. However herein lies a conundrum, I did not plan this, nor did ‘the loved one’ so did it happen by change, a random collection of events that sparked at just the right time in the right sequence, or is there a force that guides us, presenting us with opportunities, choices that lead us to grow. Ouch, I know that is a big pill to swallow, if you’re a confirmed skeptic as I was. However I do feel that the events of 2012 from start to finish was guided, actually I would like to use a stronger phrase here but chose not to because in all if this there is free choice.

Sorry that was a little rabble, if we are guided buy an unseen force then we also need to listen for the guidance and be receptive enough to recognize the hand of guidance. If this is true and my journey in the last 14 months has been guided to a place of healing, then is it possible that we are also instruments of guidance put in places to help others. I now know this to be true with complete faith. This part is difficult to put into words so bare with my clumsy elaboration. I now know that I have been guided to this place of piece by a loving hand, and that the more open and accepting I am to that hand the more loving it becomes. I felt that hand at Algies bay and several times since.

Love comes from within and must be within before we can give. Here is the lovely part, only when I surrendered to love did I receive it and along with it came inner peace, serenity and strength. Real strength can be found in this place, male strength. Any fool can don armor and go into battle, but standing naked in battle takes strength which can only truly be found within from a place of love. One more thing, without inner love, I stood alone and required armor, with inner love I am never alone and have the strength to stand naked, that is open and loving.

A few months ago several events coincided that lead me to write this little passage.

Well today I had an Epiphany, that as life throws things at us that shatter the dull calm and tranquility that seems to grow when there is an excessive lack of inspiration, there is the discovery of new and exciting seeds that seem to move in as if carried by the wind and settle at our feet, we only need water them with love and watch them grow.

This marks the entrance of ‘The loved one’, the seed. I know believe this is by the hand of guidance and as I have shifted and grown, so has the love.

As the love within me has grown so has the love for this oak tree. Metaphorically speaking the love within me is the water, this water is now filled with love and light and the more I water the oak, the more water there is and the richer it becomes. This seed now stands as a grand oak tree.

At the same time my seed was also sown in the same fertile ground and as I have allowed this seed to grow, by opening up to the love within and the abundant water from the oak, my pohutukawa now stands strong.

In shedding armor and opening up to the love within I have found fulfillment in the love of another. The two trees now stand side by side protecting and watering each other with roots intertwined yet standing as two independent trees. It is ironic that in surrender I found the strength to stand naked and in doing so found a love greater than I have ever know both within and without.

Thanks to the guiding force and the power of love

A place I know that knows me

 

Yesterday was this countries national day and a Wednesday so I took a day trip up north with the loved one. I expected one of those day trips where you rush around take a few photos, drink some coffee and come back burnt and tired, even in the company of love. To my delight this was not the case, as this day brought home to me how much I have opened up my feelings and my heart and most importantly have slowed my mind down enough to notice the present, what is happening now and how I feel about it.

What has prompted the change is not for public knowledge but I will share what has happened, I have in three months undergone a transformation, well more like peeling away a coat of armor that I have warn for a very long time, probably over 30 years. The difference now is that I can feel, feel happy, feel sad, feel love, and with the help and guidance of the loved one, I have also found a place of strength within myself. This new place allows me to be strong and open, but also still function as an adult when I must. This is such a wonderful space to be in.

The day begans with a trip to a small settlement just shy of Workworth called Puhoi, which is famous for its pub. We called in to the Cheese factory and drank some coffee. At this stage I am happy and content to be in this place and time, it is nice; we walked around for a while and talked a bit. Then we drove on to Workworth and took in an old Cement factory that is by the river where the now unused land has been turned into a marina. I am still happy to be in place and time and in the company of love but in full control.

On to Workworth for a coffee and a bite to eat and look at a restored scow by the river, such a beautiful place to be, while eating my lunch a sparrow came within a foot of my feet, I started to get the notion that today was going to be special.

Then we drove off to the main event of the day, Algies Bay. This is a place that my parents built a cabin in the mid 1950s and is where I spent many, many holidays pursuing the pleasures of childhood. Both my parents were primary school teachers and they would spend many holidays at the beach including 6 weeks in summer. Apparently I took my first steps at this place and the family kept it until the early 1970s when the land was subdivided and sold. Being teachers they also moved around a bit, but this place remained constant, a place that was ours. I would have been 15-17 when they abandoned it.

I have returned there three times since, the first two times it was interesting and notable that the very spot where our cabin was, has been reserved and not sold. This visit however, as we drove toward the beach, we pass a nearby beach and get a gimps of the bay from the road; this is a Kawau Bay from the road at Snells Beach. This view from the car for only a few seconds was enough, a well of emotions hit me, it is doing it again as I type this.  

 

This is my bay, not a place I call home, but a place of childhood memories so vivid and clear and full of love and fun. We drove on to Algies bay and parked the car at the north end of the beach and walked on the sand, rocks and grass verge, on down to the south end. The beach and land has changed but parts of the beach are instantly recognizable, like the big old Pohutukawa trees that marked the boundary between the North and South end of the beach, these trees were the climbing tries, where many hours were spent climbing their limbs or just playing in the sand below.

Just a little way further, instinct told me I was there. When the cabins were there, we would walk down the steep hill and come out of a gate on to a safe part of the beach. This was my part of the beach.  At every stage in this walk at each point of recognition I get a swell of emotion, at times too much hold in. We walked around for a bit, and then we noticed a path that leads up the hill to the road. On the way we passed by a cabin where an interesting old man greeted us, we stood and chatted for a while as he told is tail. On the move again up to the road, I turned to walk south as I knew our cabin would have been in that direction. After a short walk I notice a drive way that was not sealed and went upward, this must be it or very close. Nervously I walked up the drive, I knew the very place where our cabin was, was held by the Algies as it was the best section in the entire beach. As I reached the top of the drive, to my delight it was still vacant, apart from a few tents. Then I took in the location, is it possible to convey the feeling of coming home, after a 21 year absence, being welcomed by the spirit of the land with arms held out in love and joy to welcome me home.  This is the one place that I can truly say ‘I know this place and it knows me’.

What made this day special was that I was so open and present in the moment so that I could hear the land speak to me, feel its spirit. I give thanks to those who made this day possible and to my family who gave me these precious and powerful memories of security and love.

To continue telling you about the rest of the day seems futile and unimportant, as I spent the rest of the day in a very good place regardless of location or activity, just enjoying each moment and the company of love.

Photo courtesy of Google Earth.