Loss

It is now Sunday evening and I have not seen my cat since Thursday morning. It seems I may have to accept that my friend of 18 years has left this world. I know he is only a cat, but this particular cat was my close companion, sitting on my lap in the evening and sitting with me at every opportunity. I will miss him and today I find myself in a quiet place of reflection.

Dealing with loss is sometimes difficult, especially when it involves someone close. My own parents are dead, and so are most of my uncles and aunts, only one remains on both sides of the family. However the loss of some people is more difficult to accept than others. I watched my own parents grow old and when they passed the affect was minimal. I don’t wish to sound cold, but I knew them both as health active adults, and it was hard to see them fade away and slowly lose their grip on life. A few years ago a close aunt passed away, this, I noted, had a far greater impact on me than my own parents. It took some time but I realized that this aunt represented a reference point in my life, a lighthouse by which I could navigate.

The loss of my close friend ‘the cat’ has once more brought home to me the feelings of loss. That it cuts deep into my heart and leaves me in a quiet place or reflection. The empty food bowl, the greetings I got when I arrived home, the cat quietly sitting on my lap, purring, and demanding food.

There is more change happening in my life also, the wheel of life is turning, some doors are closing, while others are opening up. Acceptance is the key so I am advised. Acceptance that life is a wheel that turns, change is inevitable, so why do we cling on to old stuff, habits, and beliefs, even the ones that do not work. I know that I resist change. I like things to remain the same. I call it security by familiarity. I like the new stuff, new family members, and new movies. Yet when it comes to loss it is still difficult to accept and I resist it.

Several months ago, I willingly embarked on a completely new way of living. One that excites me, it also at the same time terrifies me. There is personal risk involved when change is brought about in big movements. So why, when I want it so much, does it scare me so. When change happens it also includes loss, we step into the unknown from the familiar to the unfamiliar. There have even been days when the very thought that change may result in the loss of the one I love, prevents me from making the very change that enables me to love her more. How is that for resistance? I could go through life resisting all the good things through fear of losing them and envy those who do.  

The other day, a mentor of mine asked me to think on Envy. Well I immediately went away thinking how the heck can I do that with any great success? Well as it turns out, now I can see that fear of loss and envy, are two sides of the same coin. I have lived most of my life holding on to what I have and at the same time envy those who have what I desire. In other words, I cannot have what I want when I fear losing what I have. Progress or Growth can only occur by passing from one door to the next, and yes we risk losing everything we have in doing so but cannot grow unless we do.

When all said and done, and the account book of my life is brought before my maker, the only thing I take with me is what I have learned and the sum total of my thoughts and deeds. Am I to meet my maker and confess that I did nothing through fear of loss and that I spent all my life in envy of others and did not honor my own self. Ouch.

What defines me is not what I own, or even who I have loved. I am defined by the love I have in my heart and the use of the gifts given to me by my maker. I am not defined by my memory, only that I am the sum total of my thoughts and deeds.

To my old friend, the cat, thank you for being my faithful friend for 18 years, and for teaching me the meaning of loss and envy. Through his passing, I have been taught that fear of loss and envy are just two sides of the same coin. Because I cannot envy those who have what I have no fear of losing. That loss is a natural part of growth, if I fear loss I cannot grow.