Knowing

Is there a difference between Knowing and Knowledge? I believe there is. I can read a book or read information from the internet or any other medium and that is knowledge. I can go to a university and complete a Degree or Masters and acquire a mountain of knowledge, but that is all it is. Knowing something comes from the heart. Knowing is freedom, freedom from confusion and doubt, freedom from oppression and victimisation, from all the dark forces.

Within myself there is a battle between light and darkness that has been raging all my life, a battle between rational thought and unconscious beliefs. I have fought this battle even with the knowledge of light but without knowing or having ever stood in light.

The difference now is that even when I stand in the darkness with all the darkness and internal dialog, I can now stand there knowing that the light is also within me and that it is much stronger than the darkness and I need only ask for it to shine. It is as simple as opening the door and walking into the sunlight.

The difficulty is that when standing in the darkness, it envelops me and shrouds the light; it tells me that there is no light or the light is false. It is after all a very familiar place. It also hides the door to the light. What is happening is that the subconscious is fighting for survival.

The last four months has been an exciting and an eliminating experience where many things have happened and I have learned about the light to the point where I know it. I now stand on the cusp of possibly the most important phase of my life, the doing of my purpose in this life. Life has never been better. So why does the darkness descend now?

Its fighting for survival, telling me that I am not entitled to it, I’m not good enough, what’s the point, you will stuff it up anyway, that sort of thing. I have been listening to it all day. Well I also made a choice earlier today and that was to open the door to the light, I asked for help, and what do you know, I am now standing in light again, dim light but light there is.

The subconscious is a powerful devil, hell bent on maintaining control, to maintain its dominance and preserve the ego, because if it loses it will die. Well I chose to follow the light. This is not the first time I have made this choice, and it is likely not the last.

In summary, I have knowledge of the darkness but now I also have knowing of the light. Knowledge of light is not enough to beat the darkness it must be taken within and accepted in order to know it. The light does not shine from the outside, it shines from within.

Light or Mud, my choice

Recently I was given a program of learning for the winter from an irrefutable source and have commenced it with earnest and an open mind. It concerns becoming and staying in a state of awareness of the present moment.  

I have just returned from an extended Easter break where I took 10 days off and spent part of that out of town by the sea in an intensive tutorial. Returning to the city, I was in such a state of awareness, that I could hear everything, feel everything, even sense the field of energy emanating from the TV’s on standby mode.

Then back at work, I was trying to keep myself aware and in the present and succeeding quite well, until I got hit. Hit with a pile of mud. There is no blame in any of this; it is all my own mud. I got dragged into a conversation with another person who raised one of my work related demons. When I finally left work I was dragging all that mud with me. It was on the 20 minute walk to the car when I realized that I was covered in mud, this is the moment that I became aware again, still covered in mud but aware of it nonetheless.

Now I’m also reading a book recommended by the program where the subject matter concerns being present and aware of the moment. I was reading part of this during the week, but isn’t it funny how things just seem to coincide. Today I was reading about how the mind attaches its identity to the way things are, and the attachment to them, moreover the resistance to change and how that upsets the identity which then proceeds to complain and resist the change.

Woops it seems that I am still mortal and subject to the insanity of attachment to the things that define my identity. This has happened to me many times, being covered in mud and often leads to despair. What made the difference this time was that I became aware of the mud, it was that simple. Now being mortal and a beginner at this awareness thing, it has taken me a few days to shake it off, but shake it off I have.

Now, what have I learned; well things change, as they do when driving a car, there is no point in resisting change as it is the nature of things to change. I accept that in my car and have no attachment to anything on the road, so why not adopt the same approach to my life.

Do you have any idea how silly I feel right now? My life, my very being only exists now, in this present moment, and everything around me is forever changing, it has to, so why resist it.

It is now my resolve to complete this program and accept that the only things in this mortal life that is truly mine, is this moment and the awareness of self in this moment. I chose to step out of the mud and into the light of the present moment in full awareness of myself.

There was one more treasure identified today, and that is that it is OK to feel unhappy or despair just know it and recognize it, be aware of it.

Iterative Cycles

SDLC and Agile development is a methodology that modem software houses use to manage the complexities of developing software. The theory behind agile development is that it is easier to create a large enterprise application with a series of small iterations with manageable workloads and short time lines.

When I look at this from an objective point of view the approach is not limited to software development, it is an approach that has been used for centuries. The one that we are all familiar with is the Calendar, where the year is divided up into months and weeks that are more manageable and when I think about it, it does not stop there, there is an astral body nearby that we rotate around which marks the Year and our mother earth also rotates which marks the day, divided into 24 hours. A year is a long period to grasp and to plan for, but when divided into smaller periods it all becomes manageable. We complete each day, week, and month then hay presto another year has passed into history.

There is another astral body nearby that rotates around us, the moon, that has a 28 day cycle which everyone knows about and we have been using for thousands of years. As the moon cycles and the earth spins and rotates around the sun, the angle of the sun also changes, which gives us the changing seasons. On a daily basis the pull of the moon affects the water on this earth, ergo the tides. As we are mostly water it stands to reason that the Moon also has a tidal affect on us, if not on a daily basis then on a 28 day cycle for sure.

Where am I going with all of this? It is a rather obscure reference I am afraid, but I will try to connect it up for both of us. Here in this country it is the first month of autumn and the whole country is in drought, the land is parched, bone dry, so dry that the air itself is dry. It has been a wonderful summer indeed; it has been wonderful for the wine makers and fruit growers, not so good now for dairy and sheep farmers.

However, something else that has been growing all summer, growing in light, and that is the love between man and woman. It has blossomed into a deep seated love that has changed my very perception of the word. I have tried to define it, it is my nature to do it, and the only way I can express it is to unfold the emotion I have when listening to Beethoven’s Emperor Concerto or the 6^th symphony, or Bruch’s Violin concertos 1 or 2. When the very soul is moved and uplifted just being near such works. Well that is how I feel when in the presence of the woman I love and it seems to just get better.

How here is where mortal life throws in a dose of reality, a bump in the road. Yesterday we hit such a bump. Something happened that pushed both of our buttons and we each reacted in ways that have failed us both in the past. It shocked us both, but this happens to everyone and it will happen to us again. We both agreed that we would find new positive ways to safely navigate these inevitable bumps so they do not pull us apart.

The question is HOW, how do we, how do I unlearn a life time of learned reactions that I learned by observation and practice. Well strangely the answer came to me while listening to an old friend, Beethoven, first the 5^th symphony (allegro con brio), such a stormy affair, rage, frustration, anger. Then the adagio movement from the Piano concerto no.5 Emperor, the light dance and twills, supported by the deep solid base of strings, which brought me to the expression of love and the strong foundation upon which we stand. Then to top this off, the pastoral symphony No.6 Allegretto, which is a warm embrace of a country season where life feels good surrounded by life in full bloom. The final thump came when I heard the Romance No. 2 in F for Violin and Orchestra.

It seems odd that I might find and express the answer to a question in terms of music but this is how it was given to me. Life is a series of cycles and we must and do move through them. Now back to the summer, it turns out that there is a storm brewing, well simple really it is autumn and it cannot be summer forever. What the pastoral movement showed me is that storms wash and clean the earth, and what follows, it always does, is the sun, or when the new day begins all clean and washed. This is a small iteration, just as the seasons change from winter to summer, so too does night into day, rain into sunlight, this is the natural cycle of life.

How then does one change the habitual reaction to bad weather, well, if one is to observe the earth’s cycles and listen to the guineas of Beethoven then it is quite simple, not easy, but simple. First observe the weather but do not react to the weather just observe it and keep the mind focused. Open up to the changing cycles as they are a natural part of life. Always keep the focus on the goal, the objective. In my case it is to live, love and be loved, to do this I must first find love within and that includes my reactions to the weather conditions because I must find that inner balance that enables me to weather the storms and changing seasons so I can enjoy the long summers. When and only when I find inner balance and embrace the changing seasons as part my live, can I find outer balance with the woman I love through the changing seasons and the storms they bring.

As it happens it is a new moon and I am told it is a time for new beginnings, so be it, it is time to drop old habits and allow the autumn and winter to wash them away. Appreciate the simple things and all seasons and all the weather that this world and life can throw at me. Take life in small cycles, one week, a month, or a moon cycle. Be mindful of the weather but true to myself. I must remember that only when I am open can love enter and with that comes all the ups and downs of life, embrace the changes, embrace the storms but hold true, stay the course. For if I shut down and close off to protect myself, I not only lose the woman I love, I also lose myself.

Fulfillment

In a previous post I worked through the feeling of emptiness and how profound the feeling was, well now I wish to talk about the feeling of Fulfillment and how profound and complete the feeling is.

With reference to that previous post, I have since obtained a Stereo and several CDs, some pottery, even an antique cabinet which gives me visual pleasure along with my Mother’s paintings. So I am pleased with the progress in creating my own environment.

However at this point I realize that reference is due to several previous posts because many things have changed in the last few months.

The trip to Algies Bay was cathartic, to say the least because to be welcomed with open arms and embraced by the spirit of the place was wonderful at the time and turns out also healing. This is the point at which I forgave myself and found acceptance of myself, for if the spirit of that place can love me so much then I surrender to it.

I also wish to reference the posting about the balance of life in which I sort a balance within my own life, well it seems that I have found that balance and inner peace with it.  May be it is part of the healing and opening up to life and acceptance of myself, but all the inner chatter, self doubt, and self loathing has subsided and in its place is the total acceptance of self and inner piece of the like I have never known.

Which brings me to a question; why after so many years of turbulent weather is the weather of life now so calm and warm. The realization that ‘As we view ourselves so we view the world’ is true because from the very moment my view of myself changed so too did the view of all things around me.

I could pass the credit on to ‘the loved one’ but I know within myself that I cannot fix anyone else, not even my own children, so she did not do this. However herein lies a conundrum, I did not plan this, nor did ‘the loved one’ so did it happen by change, a random collection of events that sparked at just the right time in the right sequence, or is there a force that guides us, presenting us with opportunities, choices that lead us to grow. Ouch, I know that is a big pill to swallow, if you’re a confirmed skeptic as I was. However I do feel that the events of 2012 from start to finish was guided, actually I would like to use a stronger phrase here but chose not to because in all if this there is free choice.

Sorry that was a little rabble, if we are guided buy an unseen force then we also need to listen for the guidance and be receptive enough to recognize the hand of guidance. If this is true and my journey in the last 14 months has been guided to a place of healing, then is it possible that we are also instruments of guidance put in places to help others. I now know this to be true with complete faith. This part is difficult to put into words so bare with my clumsy elaboration. I now know that I have been guided to this place of piece by a loving hand, and that the more open and accepting I am to that hand the more loving it becomes. I felt that hand at Algies bay and several times since.

Love comes from within and must be within before we can give. Here is the lovely part, only when I surrendered to love did I receive it and along with it came inner peace, serenity and strength. Real strength can be found in this place, male strength. Any fool can don armor and go into battle, but standing naked in battle takes strength which can only truly be found within from a place of love. One more thing, without inner love, I stood alone and required armor, with inner love I am never alone and have the strength to stand naked, that is open and loving.

A few months ago several events coincided that lead me to write this little passage.

Well today I had an Epiphany, that as life throws things at us that shatter the dull calm and tranquility that seems to grow when there is an excessive lack of inspiration, there is the discovery of new and exciting seeds that seem to move in as if carried by the wind and settle at our feet, we only need water them with love and watch them grow.

This marks the entrance of ‘The loved one’, the seed. I know believe this is by the hand of guidance and as I have shifted and grown, so has the love.

As the love within me has grown so has the love for this oak tree. Metaphorically speaking the love within me is the water, this water is now filled with love and light and the more I water the oak, the more water there is and the richer it becomes. This seed now stands as a grand oak tree.

At the same time my seed was also sown in the same fertile ground and as I have allowed this seed to grow, by opening up to the love within and the abundant water from the oak, my pohutukawa now stands strong.

In shedding armor and opening up to the love within I have found fulfillment in the love of another. The two trees now stand side by side protecting and watering each other with roots intertwined yet standing as two independent trees. It is ironic that in surrender I found the strength to stand naked and in doing so found a love greater than I have ever know both within and without.

Thanks to the guiding force and the power of love

A place I know that knows me

 

Yesterday was this countries national day and a Wednesday so I took a day trip up north with the loved one. I expected one of those day trips where you rush around take a few photos, drink some coffee and come back burnt and tired, even in the company of love. To my delight this was not the case, as this day brought home to me how much I have opened up my feelings and my heart and most importantly have slowed my mind down enough to notice the present, what is happening now and how I feel about it.

What has prompted the change is not for public knowledge but I will share what has happened, I have in three months undergone a transformation, well more like peeling away a coat of armor that I have warn for a very long time, probably over 30 years. The difference now is that I can feel, feel happy, feel sad, feel love, and with the help and guidance of the loved one, I have also found a place of strength within myself. This new place allows me to be strong and open, but also still function as an adult when I must. This is such a wonderful space to be in.

The day begans with a trip to a small settlement just shy of Workworth called Puhoi, which is famous for its pub. We called in to the Cheese factory and drank some coffee. At this stage I am happy and content to be in this place and time, it is nice; we walked around for a while and talked a bit. Then we drove on to Workworth and took in an old Cement factory that is by the river where the now unused land has been turned into a marina. I am still happy to be in place and time and in the company of love but in full control.

On to Workworth for a coffee and a bite to eat and look at a restored scow by the river, such a beautiful place to be, while eating my lunch a sparrow came within a foot of my feet, I started to get the notion that today was going to be special.

Then we drove off to the main event of the day, Algies Bay. This is a place that my parents built a cabin in the mid 1950s and is where I spent many, many holidays pursuing the pleasures of childhood. Both my parents were primary school teachers and they would spend many holidays at the beach including 6 weeks in summer. Apparently I took my first steps at this place and the family kept it until the early 1970s when the land was subdivided and sold. Being teachers they also moved around a bit, but this place remained constant, a place that was ours. I would have been 15-17 when they abandoned it.

I have returned there three times since, the first two times it was interesting and notable that the very spot where our cabin was, has been reserved and not sold. This visit however, as we drove toward the beach, we pass a nearby beach and get a gimps of the bay from the road; this is a Kawau Bay from the road at Snells Beach. This view from the car for only a few seconds was enough, a well of emotions hit me, it is doing it again as I type this.  

 

This is my bay, not a place I call home, but a place of childhood memories so vivid and clear and full of love and fun. We drove on to Algies bay and parked the car at the north end of the beach and walked on the sand, rocks and grass verge, on down to the south end. The beach and land has changed but parts of the beach are instantly recognizable, like the big old Pohutukawa trees that marked the boundary between the North and South end of the beach, these trees were the climbing tries, where many hours were spent climbing their limbs or just playing in the sand below.

Just a little way further, instinct told me I was there. When the cabins were there, we would walk down the steep hill and come out of a gate on to a safe part of the beach. This was my part of the beach.  At every stage in this walk at each point of recognition I get a swell of emotion, at times too much hold in. We walked around for a bit, and then we noticed a path that leads up the hill to the road. On the way we passed by a cabin where an interesting old man greeted us, we stood and chatted for a while as he told is tail. On the move again up to the road, I turned to walk south as I knew our cabin would have been in that direction. After a short walk I notice a drive way that was not sealed and went upward, this must be it or very close. Nervously I walked up the drive, I knew the very place where our cabin was, was held by the Algies as it was the best section in the entire beach. As I reached the top of the drive, to my delight it was still vacant, apart from a few tents. Then I took in the location, is it possible to convey the feeling of coming home, after a 21 year absence, being welcomed by the spirit of the land with arms held out in love and joy to welcome me home.  This is the one place that I can truly say ‘I know this place and it knows me’.

What made this day special was that I was so open and present in the moment so that I could hear the land speak to me, feel its spirit. I give thanks to those who made this day possible and to my family who gave me these precious and powerful memories of security and love.

To continue telling you about the rest of the day seems futile and unimportant, as I spent the rest of the day in a very good place regardless of location or activity, just enjoying each moment and the company of love.

Photo courtesy of Google Earth.

Emptiness

Yesterday someone significant moved out of my home and my life which I am happy about, what bothered me was the emptiness of the house by the end of the day. All of the familiar things in the home were gone, whole rooms empty. It left me with a profound feeling of being alone. I decided to write down my thoughts to see if I could work it through.

Being alone has bothered me in the past but after some contemplation on the matter I came to an understanding of why. There is a difference, in my mind, between solitude and seclusion. Sometimes in the company of others, I get the urge for seclusion even if it is to stand quietly on the sideline immersed in thought, or to be quietly somewhere on my own but knowing that I can return to company and embrace the warmth of human companionship. Solitude is almost the opposite, where I am alone and must seek the company of others and in the past this has been a devastating and destructive way for me to live. I wish to change that now but first I have to understand solitude and why I fear it, so that I can work through it.

Solitude or living alone can exist even in the company of others, I have felt alone while living and working with other people. Do I just have that sort of personality that needs a close companion, or is there something lacking in my own environment, my universe that leaves me with an empty feeling. The latter part of that statement came crashing home to me yesterday, when the house got emptied, what remains is mine, my world the things that are mine. Apart for the practical things like the kitchen and bedroom, and the computer, there is nothing left, only emptiness.

Last night I received an invitation to spend the evening with a close friend who knew I was feeling sad. The offer was very attractive but I realized that I would be avoiding the feeling rather than confronting it, so I declined the offer and instead went out and bought some food and made myself a nice meal. The act of doing something positive for myself, felt good and the sadness and aloneness seemed to melt which allowed me to end the evening in a positive and strong way.

There is one constant in life that I cannot escape regardless of who is around me and that is the company of myself. In the past I have not always enjoyed my own company, I can be quite self critical which has the effect of not having the confidence to seek the company of others because I am not good company, I would be a burden to them, a self fulfilling prophesy if you like.

This morning I woke, had breakfast, and mowed the lawn then had a shower. Food and exercise is always a good start the day, then sitting quietly on the back step I decides to write a list of the things I like, the things that would make my environment a nice place to be. I cannot recall ever doing this or ever creating an environment that pleases me.

Here is the list I wrote:

·         Pottery

·         Music

·         Roman / Greek sculpture

·         Pillows / large cushions

·         Visual pleasure

·         Image of an Eagle

·         The colour Teal

This may be a simple list and no doubt it will grow but in writing the list I realized that being alone is an opportunity to create an environment that is mine, surrounding myself with things that I like, things that give me pleasure. Why it has taken me so long to work this out escapes me at this moment, because it is so simple.

If I am to be, then I wish to be happy and comfortable in my own company, to do this I must create an environment that pleases me, that defines me, a place I call home, a place I do not fear. From this place I can interact with others when I chose too and not because I need too.

I am a strong person with deep feelings, emotions, and sensitivity. I wish to honor this person by providing an environment that is pleasing, where I can be kind to myself.

On further reflection I have been given the image of standing on the sea shore by a quiet eastern beach at sunrise where the silence is only broken by the gentle sound of each small wave. The feeling that goes with this image is one of quiet reflection and the smallness of my life and that through this sea I am connected to all living things. I have just added ‘The Sea’ to my list. It seems that it is not aloneness or solitude that I fear; it is emptiness, the void.

I have been given a task to fill the emptiness and define an environment with my personality, that reflects my personality. I find the prospect exciting and embrace the process.

Balance of life

Balance of life

In recent weeks I have had the honor of getting to know a new friend, she is truly my equal and my opposite. I don’t think that I have ever seen a person in quite this way before now and it is having a profound effect on me. I know my own depth, strength and journey through life and for the first time I see another person with strength, tenderness, and a person on a journey who is acutely aware of balance in all things, mind, heart, soul, and spirituality. I do not judge this person; I honor her by looking into myself in view of these things.

This brings me to ask about balance in my life, is my life in balance, am I in balance. What does this mean and how can I tell if something is out of balance?

I was sitting on the back step contemplating this question and my mind began to fill with chaotic thoughts all rumbling around like lotto balls. So I decided to write them down while listening to Beethoven’s piano concerto 2 & 3 and see if I could bring some clarity to them.

We are all familiar with the concept of the ‘Balance of Nature’, alter the balance and there is a ripple effect that could continue through the entire food chain, until the balance is restored.

Consider these phrases for a minute in relation to balance.

The Chinese philosophy: yinyang or Yin and Yang. From Wikipedia (Yin and yang)

Literally meaning "shadow and light" -- is used to describe how seemingly opposite or contrary forces are interconnected and interdependent in the natural world; and, how they give rise to each other as they inter-relate to one other.

Yin and yang are actually complementary -- not opposing -- forces, interacting to form a whole greater than either separate part;

Newton’s law of motion:

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”

All of these speak to the balance of equal and opposing or complementary forces. I don’t know about you, but I am not prepared to argue with either of these, let alone the laws of nature.

Balance is important in all things. We live in a modern artificial world which is still sensitive to balance. Our whole capitalistic economy is based on supply and demand and these two forces are opposing yet must also be equal for they depend on each other as individuals, recent world events are testament to what happens when there is imbalance. Any enterprise regardless of size has to be in balance as if it is a living entity, if supply is not in balance with demand the enterprise is not healthy, and this immutable fact applies to everything from the global economy down to the humble household budget including my own personal budget.  

One of America’s Presidents, in his inaugural speech said "Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country". I think this is one of the most important statements in the modern world. He, President John F Kennedy, is saying that each of us should work in service of the greater good not for our own profit, in service for the well being of the nation rather than for one’s self or to quote Spock (Star Trek III) “logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one” If you research this it actually has roots in Plato. I see truth in both these statements. If my mother is sick so am I, if my country is sick or threatened so am I, if my environment is sick so to am I.

If balance is a natural immutable law that applies to the environment and economy, then it stands to reason that we as humans are subject to the same laws of balance regardless of environment. Can we find a balance, a point in which our impact is neutral or even positive? If we are to live in an environment we must find a balance with that environment where both are healthy, otherwise we are consuming the environment in which we live and depend.

Enough said; the point is that the balance of my life force is part of a whole and subject to the same. How difficult is it to identify an imbalance, because the laws of nature and equal and opposing forces will naturally force a balance, the question then; is it a healthy balance. When things are in harmony they complement each other (Yin Yang), they are not conflicting. One example of this is a symphonic orchestra playing a concerto by Beethoven where the conductor must find a balance of harmony and tempo and an environment that complements the acoustics. When the orchestra plays in a balanced and complementary environment the sound is harmonious.

Therefore, to answer the great question of balance, I must look to myself and ask; is my life in harmony, is my life force in balance with my environment, is my environment healthy? If I starve myself of food I suffer, if I feed it bad food I suffer, I must eat a balanced diet. It stands to reason that the same applies to my entire being and to the environment in which I live and depend.

I now see that I must first attend to my own health and to check its impact on my environment to reach a balanced and harmonious existence. Then and only then will I have achieved balance, where I can be healthy and my environment is also healthy, where my force has a positive influence on those around me and on the whole of which I am a part.

In conclusion I find that; the value of my life is measured by its contribution to others and the good of the many. The health of my life is checked by the health of my environment. The balance of my life is measured with the harmonic frequency of my environment. The health of my heart is measured by the love I give to others. The health of my soul and spirit I leave in trust to karma and the spiritual world, and trust that the balance of my life leaves a positive contribution to the whole.