Emptiness

Yesterday someone significant moved out of my home and my life which I am happy about, what bothered me was the emptiness of the house by the end of the day. All of the familiar things in the home were gone, whole rooms empty. It left me with a profound feeling of being alone. I decided to write down my thoughts to see if I could work it through.

Being alone has bothered me in the past but after some contemplation on the matter I came to an understanding of why. There is a difference, in my mind, between solitude and seclusion. Sometimes in the company of others, I get the urge for seclusion even if it is to stand quietly on the sideline immersed in thought, or to be quietly somewhere on my own but knowing that I can return to company and embrace the warmth of human companionship. Solitude is almost the opposite, where I am alone and must seek the company of others and in the past this has been a devastating and destructive way for me to live. I wish to change that now but first I have to understand solitude and why I fear it, so that I can work through it.

Solitude or living alone can exist even in the company of others, I have felt alone while living and working with other people. Do I just have that sort of personality that needs a close companion, or is there something lacking in my own environment, my universe that leaves me with an empty feeling. The latter part of that statement came crashing home to me yesterday, when the house got emptied, what remains is mine, my world the things that are mine. Apart for the practical things like the kitchen and bedroom, and the computer, there is nothing left, only emptiness.

Last night I received an invitation to spend the evening with a close friend who knew I was feeling sad. The offer was very attractive but I realized that I would be avoiding the feeling rather than confronting it, so I declined the offer and instead went out and bought some food and made myself a nice meal. The act of doing something positive for myself, felt good and the sadness and aloneness seemed to melt which allowed me to end the evening in a positive and strong way.

There is one constant in life that I cannot escape regardless of who is around me and that is the company of myself. In the past I have not always enjoyed my own company, I can be quite self critical which has the effect of not having the confidence to seek the company of others because I am not good company, I would be a burden to them, a self fulfilling prophesy if you like.

This morning I woke, had breakfast, and mowed the lawn then had a shower. Food and exercise is always a good start the day, then sitting quietly on the back step I decides to write a list of the things I like, the things that would make my environment a nice place to be. I cannot recall ever doing this or ever creating an environment that pleases me.

Here is the list I wrote:

·         Pottery

·         Music

·         Roman / Greek sculpture

·         Pillows / large cushions

·         Visual pleasure

·         Image of an Eagle

·         The colour Teal

This may be a simple list and no doubt it will grow but in writing the list I realized that being alone is an opportunity to create an environment that is mine, surrounding myself with things that I like, things that give me pleasure. Why it has taken me so long to work this out escapes me at this moment, because it is so simple.

If I am to be, then I wish to be happy and comfortable in my own company, to do this I must create an environment that pleases me, that defines me, a place I call home, a place I do not fear. From this place I can interact with others when I chose too and not because I need too.

I am a strong person with deep feelings, emotions, and sensitivity. I wish to honor this person by providing an environment that is pleasing, where I can be kind to myself.

On further reflection I have been given the image of standing on the sea shore by a quiet eastern beach at sunrise where the silence is only broken by the gentle sound of each small wave. The feeling that goes with this image is one of quiet reflection and the smallness of my life and that through this sea I am connected to all living things. I have just added ‘The Sea’ to my list. It seems that it is not aloneness or solitude that I fear; it is emptiness, the void.

I have been given a task to fill the emptiness and define an environment with my personality, that reflects my personality. I find the prospect exciting and embrace the process.