The wheel of life

As another birthday rolls around on the wheel of life, I look once more at my life and its direction. Life, that word has new meaning now; it now has purpose and meaning. Life is always putting little challenges in front of me, though I guess it is the same for all. Looking at the past, through childhood and adult years, serves no purpose in itself, it does not change anything nor can looking at the past resolve anything. The best I can do is look where I am and gauge my present course. Asking, is it right for me? Am I doing the best I can with what I have?

These are fine questions to ask but they themselves do little to resolve the present moment. Indeed the present moment is all I have. I have recently been informed that life is guided. We each have our own guide who is constantly at our side, in good times and especially in bad. Not only do they guide me though life but they guide me to others and others to me. Each moment of life is for the purpose of growth and for the resolution of past and present issues.

In my work there have been times of creativity and tremendous enjoyment and also times where that creativity is squashed. Why I ask myself, as at the moment the latter is the case. I have a project on at work that fires my passion, but those in charge wish to run the project by the book with all the trappings of the full SDLC process. That is fine, but when it crushes the creative process I have a problem with it.

This all may sound like a grizzle and truth be told it is. Why? Why would my guide present this situation for me? Well it seems that it arises through my free will and of those around me, not a guided scenario, yet my guide presents me with advice and guidance on how best to proceed. ‘Nothing is a waste of time’ he tells me, nothing is wasted, all knowledge and experience is used to further the process. There is more to this than I am aware of it would seem.

It turns out that our guides are omnipresent, presenting choices, guiding those choices as well. Some are able to listen and other not so much, but they are always present. One new piece of information that I've learned recently is that my presents is also used to affect others, just as others affect me, I am used to affect others.

Today I had lunch with a family member that did not end well. But on checking in latter it was for the best. Sometimes we have to go through a difficult time or event to learn or resolve something. It is difficult to stand back and let life unfold sometimes, especially hard when you see someone you love presenting pain. I know now that this pain is not mine or mine to resolve. When it comes to the duty of care for life, then yes we must intervene and sustain life, but when it comes to pain of the emotional kind, we often have to stand back and let events play out. This is true when others present joy, we do not step in to stop it, we encourage it and let it unfold. Pain or sorrow are no different, they are just other forms of expressing emotion from which we can grow.

It is difficult to do when it is someone you love, but when it is happening to me it feels personal, when it is my turn to walk through the mud then it becomes very difficult to watch others stand back but stand back they must so that I can learn to crawl out of the mud myself. Growth can often be a painful process what’s more the process of growth never stops, I am nearly 60 and I’m still growing.

All life is an opportunity for growth and we must grow for that is the purpose of life. It is called ‘The wheel of life’ and it is relentlessly turning.

It’s not personal

Life has a funny way of throwing stuff in our way, don’t you think, just when I think I've got it sorted out, things change and it starts all over again. One phrase that I have heard over and over in the past months is ‘It is not personal’. What does it actually mean? It may help a little if I put context around it. It is more than just the interplay between people, it is about how we feel, how we react to circumstances even down to having a lousy day. Consider this quote from Shakespeare.

 All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.

William Shakespeare

This quote has merit in its own right, and I’m certainly not going to debate or critique it here, but it does allude to the idea that we play a part in life, and others play parts in our own lives. I now think that there is more to this phrase than just the interplay between people in one life time. I have recently been exposed to the esoteric world and have been reading lots of material about the physical form and its identity and the soul or higher mind, and what happens to the personality when the higher mind wakes up. In doing so there is the awareness of the higher mind and being part of a soul group. This concept is difficult enough in its own right, without adding the idea that I am an expression of that group, part of it, in form to experience and learn; to achieve what I was put here for. That is a huge subject, and I am not qualified to expand on it, yet. What has come out of this is that the group works through me; they are constantly guiding me, teaching me. To this end, having a bad day is not personal; it is just part of the plan, guidance if you will. I have struggled to understand this, to put it in context, so that I can hold and understand it.

I think in terms of pictures and in analogies that bring a complex concept down to basic forms. My father used this method to teach mathematics, by taking a complex problem, breaking it down to parts of simple maths so that I could understand it and prove that my workings were correct.

Now back to the idea that it is not personal, here is a hypothesis that we are mealy characters in a play that has been playing for an eternity. Consider for a moment a company of actors, writers, directors, stage managers, prop managers, wardrobe managers, and all the other people that contribute to a play or film. Now the only people visible in this play are the characters on stage and the props that support them. Here is the important part, as soon as the actor enters the stage he/she is consumed by the character and forgets that they are an actor. The character assumes the identity, completely. The directors and stage managers cannot directly influence the character; all they can do is create circumstances by changing props etc.

Me, my personality, my identity is no more real than a character in a fictional book, an idea, a persona put into the play to achieve something. There is neither script nor knowledge of anything outside of the character we play. When my time is up, the character will exit the stage and then realise that it is all an illusion.

As it happens I have recently realised that I am an actor playing a part, but the persona will not let go completely, nor should it, after all it was created for a purpose, all things are important. Time and place are part of the story, as are the skills that I have, and everything that surrounds me, it has all been created by the directors and writers (the group) so that we may express, play our part. It is also plausible that a persona was created to work out some issue or karmic debt incurred by previous personas.

The key to life is not only to live a good life, but to reach a point where the persona can work with the actor, who can hear the director’s guidance, and then become a useful member of the group.

When my part is played out, the writers and director will create another character to play, another personality, another life. If ‘I’ am an actor, then the personality is the persona, or just the part I’m playing now. The persona or character is not important; it is created so the group can grow, so the group as a whole can move on, so the play can evolve.

My life journey is guided by a group of writers and stage directors, changing the story conditions to achieve the desired outcome. As soon as the character, can get out of the way and allow the actor to listen to direction, the better. It means that the story has a chance to play itself out and move on to the next act.

All the off stage members cannot directly force a character, all they can do is change conditions, bring things to our attention. However when one of the characters realises that he is an actor on stage, and looks up to see the lights, then the actor can work with the persona to be a more useful member of the group.

The bottom line is that it is not personal; the persona is just a work of fiction, a persona added to the story to affect a change, to grow the story. The first and most important thing we can do as individuals is to look up and see the light, recognise the stage and realise that we are characters in a play. From that point on, with awareness of the directors we can be useful members.

A new direction

This entry marks the start of a new project, a new life project. We have moved in to a new house, an old villa in Auckland. The house itself is not important, what is important is what it stands for in terms of a home. As an adult I don’t think I have ever really been at home in my own house. There is a huge difference between living in a house and being at home in it. A house is where I live, eat, sleep and relax. A home, now this is something new to me, a place where I can be myself.

There is more to this story, and much to declare about my new life. In opening up to the world of unseen possibilities I can now see that there is much more to life than just living in a house, working and play. There is purpose to this life, the reason we are put here in the first place.

Over the recent months, I have been given an awareness of self, through meditation, reading and certain undeniable events. I now know that I am part of a large group expression, and that the group desire is expressed through me, if I would only listen. I have come to understand the meaning of the words ‘thought form’ for I am a thought in form and the thought must complete itself, if not in this form then in subsequent expressions of the thought.

I have often wondered why I am here, living a life, pain, anguish and struggle. Well now that I can see and hear the life expression and have accepted the will of the soul group. The purpose of life is not to struggle or to be in pain, but to fulfill its purpose. Life is good when I focus on the purpose itself.

If this is not clear then let me put it another way. A thought was created and must complete itself. I am an expression of that thought. When I was unaware of that, life was a struggle, now that I am aware of the thought, the soul, life is kind and generous. I now intend to serve the thought.

The Project is to build homestead, a safe haven, a home where light and love are given to all who enter. At present this is a small house in the city, but soon it will extend to the country where house and land will provide a place of light and love. It is not for me to fully describe it or prescribe what it is for only that its purpose is to provide both a land project and a home. The land is to build a bridge between wild and cultivated. By embracing the wild growth in companionship with the cultivated, there is no struggle. By using the force of nature to aid in the cultivation of life, plants of all types grow in a complementary and cooperative way. By using the natural way and harnessing the force of nature, life will flourish. There is a wealth of knowledge stored in the history of man that can be accessed through an intuitive awareness, all things in cooperation not competition, no struggle, just life and its cycle in full.

The same approach is used in the home, where the natural will of life is embraced. Using the same life force, the will of life is to complete itself, to fulfill its purpose. The will of the group is to provide a place of light and love, a place of healing, not by me or any one person but by the home itself. I have spoken before about places that feel good and some that don’t. The project is to build a good place where just being there will heal.

The central and pivotal part in all of this is the love between me and the loved one. I am honored to be part of this project and part of a team that wish to fulfill its purpose.

Loss

It is now Sunday evening and I have not seen my cat since Thursday morning. It seems I may have to accept that my friend of 18 years has left this world. I know he is only a cat, but this particular cat was my close companion, sitting on my lap in the evening and sitting with me at every opportunity. I will miss him and today I find myself in a quiet place of reflection.

Dealing with loss is sometimes difficult, especially when it involves someone close. My own parents are dead, and so are most of my uncles and aunts, only one remains on both sides of the family. However the loss of some people is more difficult to accept than others. I watched my own parents grow old and when they passed the affect was minimal. I don’t wish to sound cold, but I knew them both as health active adults, and it was hard to see them fade away and slowly lose their grip on life. A few years ago a close aunt passed away, this, I noted, had a far greater impact on me than my own parents. It took some time but I realized that this aunt represented a reference point in my life, a lighthouse by which I could navigate.

The loss of my close friend ‘the cat’ has once more brought home to me the feelings of loss. That it cuts deep into my heart and leaves me in a quiet place or reflection. The empty food bowl, the greetings I got when I arrived home, the cat quietly sitting on my lap, purring, and demanding food.

There is more change happening in my life also, the wheel of life is turning, some doors are closing, while others are opening up. Acceptance is the key so I am advised. Acceptance that life is a wheel that turns, change is inevitable, so why do we cling on to old stuff, habits, and beliefs, even the ones that do not work. I know that I resist change. I like things to remain the same. I call it security by familiarity. I like the new stuff, new family members, and new movies. Yet when it comes to loss it is still difficult to accept and I resist it.

Several months ago, I willingly embarked on a completely new way of living. One that excites me, it also at the same time terrifies me. There is personal risk involved when change is brought about in big movements. So why, when I want it so much, does it scare me so. When change happens it also includes loss, we step into the unknown from the familiar to the unfamiliar. There have even been days when the very thought that change may result in the loss of the one I love, prevents me from making the very change that enables me to love her more. How is that for resistance? I could go through life resisting all the good things through fear of losing them and envy those who do.  

The other day, a mentor of mine asked me to think on Envy. Well I immediately went away thinking how the heck can I do that with any great success? Well as it turns out, now I can see that fear of loss and envy, are two sides of the same coin. I have lived most of my life holding on to what I have and at the same time envy those who have what I desire. In other words, I cannot have what I want when I fear losing what I have. Progress or Growth can only occur by passing from one door to the next, and yes we risk losing everything we have in doing so but cannot grow unless we do.

When all said and done, and the account book of my life is brought before my maker, the only thing I take with me is what I have learned and the sum total of my thoughts and deeds. Am I to meet my maker and confess that I did nothing through fear of loss and that I spent all my life in envy of others and did not honor my own self. Ouch.

What defines me is not what I own, or even who I have loved. I am defined by the love I have in my heart and the use of the gifts given to me by my maker. I am not defined by my memory, only that I am the sum total of my thoughts and deeds.

To my old friend, the cat, thank you for being my faithful friend for 18 years, and for teaching me the meaning of loss and envy. Through his passing, I have been taught that fear of loss and envy are just two sides of the same coin. Because I cannot envy those who have what I have no fear of losing. That loss is a natural part of growth, if I fear loss I cannot grow.

The life force

 

I have been reading a book entitled ‘In Resonance with Nature’. In the first few chapters it is describing the energy fields of pants and trees. Up until Easter, I would have read this book and written it off as a load of naturalistic babble, written by an outright base tea drinking, tree hugger. That is how cynical I was, now however it is a different story. I have felt the power of the elementals from the place where water, air and land join, in the parks where grand Oaks stand. I have felt it in good places that lift the spirit and dark places that drain the spirit. There are defiantly forces out there, all around us, in nature where things are alive.

In the book it describes how to read the health of a stand of trees or a forest, by the strength of the field the trees give off. If the stand is healthy the field from each tree extends and overlaps with adjoining trees which forms a combined force, if the trees are not healthy then the fields’ contract and they lose their combined strength which allows disease or competitive life to intrude. When the force is strong the trees form a barrier to unwanted life.

During the week, instead of going to a business group meeting, I took a walk through Albert Park in the CBD. Walking around the park, I walked up to each tree and stood with my back to it. Some trees were indifferent, some were not. The Pohutukawa, a native of New Zealand, is, I think, a nurturing tree, kind and loving and has a soft warm field. The Oaks however, every single one, draw me in and held me in a warm embrace, which I can only describe as faint without the nauseas feeling.

Today I walked through the Auckland Domain, or a portion of it, with my loved one, first a stand of Pohutukawa, then a stand of Burch, and then a large stand of Oak trees. Standing in the middle of the Oaks, some 30feet from any one tree, we could still feel the strong embrace.

According to the book and my rather knowledgeable friend, all life has force, and Oak for instance have a single energy force they use to communicate and learn from, a collective life force, If you like. Of this I now have no doubt, natural places and trees and all life have a life force. Animals too, have a life force, Humans being no exception.

Places have memory and collect energy. A good place feels good, plat life thrives, and people feel good and leave a ‘good feeling’ trace behind. Dark places are the opposite, and generally plants don’t thrive there either.

I saw that this weekend, being in three different places in one day. The first house is filled with love and light, consciously created and nurtured for the health and wellness of its occupants, the second place was a historic place where no one lives, however there are visitors every day, the house felt good but empty. Then the third place, where there has been recent tension and a teenager playing war games on Xbox in the lounge, this place was horrid to visit in contrast, and I could not wait to get out of it.

This part is simply extraordinary, before we left, we cleansed the house with light to restore its good feeling, and you might think this hocus-pocus. Today I return to this house and it feels much better, it is where I live, so I also filled it with the love and positive energy collected in the Domain from the Oak trees. Now it feels good and clear.

It seems I have either become a base tea drinking, tree hugger, or it is fact and real. I have seen and felt first hand, demonstrated in physical form, that every living thing is subject to a life force, and that places have memory, and that we can leave behind either good thoughts (light) or bad thoughts like disregard or anger (darkness).

All life is interconnected and dependant on the environment, both seen and unseen, for its own health and well being. This comes back to a balance. Live will always find balance, the question is; is it a good balance? Can we continue with this mindless existence, we are only just becoming aware of polluting the atmosphere with toxic byproducts, but what of our own human collective conscious, can we continue this madness, mindless existence of greed and ignorance, destroying and consuming the very planet that supports us, polluting the collective consciousness with greed, anger, self interest. What if our life force is becoming weaker, what if it is already sick. What if it is too late to save? This is too much for me to ignore or to blindly walk away from.

Knowing

Is there a difference between Knowing and Knowledge? I believe there is. I can read a book or read information from the internet or any other medium and that is knowledge. I can go to a university and complete a Degree or Masters and acquire a mountain of knowledge, but that is all it is. Knowing something comes from the heart. Knowing is freedom, freedom from confusion and doubt, freedom from oppression and victimisation, from all the dark forces.

Within myself there is a battle between light and darkness that has been raging all my life, a battle between rational thought and unconscious beliefs. I have fought this battle even with the knowledge of light but without knowing or having ever stood in light.

The difference now is that even when I stand in the darkness with all the darkness and internal dialog, I can now stand there knowing that the light is also within me and that it is much stronger than the darkness and I need only ask for it to shine. It is as simple as opening the door and walking into the sunlight.

The difficulty is that when standing in the darkness, it envelops me and shrouds the light; it tells me that there is no light or the light is false. It is after all a very familiar place. It also hides the door to the light. What is happening is that the subconscious is fighting for survival.

The last four months has been an exciting and an eliminating experience where many things have happened and I have learned about the light to the point where I know it. I now stand on the cusp of possibly the most important phase of my life, the doing of my purpose in this life. Life has never been better. So why does the darkness descend now?

Its fighting for survival, telling me that I am not entitled to it, I’m not good enough, what’s the point, you will stuff it up anyway, that sort of thing. I have been listening to it all day. Well I also made a choice earlier today and that was to open the door to the light, I asked for help, and what do you know, I am now standing in light again, dim light but light there is.

The subconscious is a powerful devil, hell bent on maintaining control, to maintain its dominance and preserve the ego, because if it loses it will die. Well I chose to follow the light. This is not the first time I have made this choice, and it is likely not the last.

In summary, I have knowledge of the darkness but now I also have knowing of the light. Knowledge of light is not enough to beat the darkness it must be taken within and accepted in order to know it. The light does not shine from the outside, it shines from within.

Light or Mud, my choice

Recently I was given a program of learning for the winter from an irrefutable source and have commenced it with earnest and an open mind. It concerns becoming and staying in a state of awareness of the present moment.  

I have just returned from an extended Easter break where I took 10 days off and spent part of that out of town by the sea in an intensive tutorial. Returning to the city, I was in such a state of awareness, that I could hear everything, feel everything, even sense the field of energy emanating from the TV’s on standby mode.

Then back at work, I was trying to keep myself aware and in the present and succeeding quite well, until I got hit. Hit with a pile of mud. There is no blame in any of this; it is all my own mud. I got dragged into a conversation with another person who raised one of my work related demons. When I finally left work I was dragging all that mud with me. It was on the 20 minute walk to the car when I realized that I was covered in mud, this is the moment that I became aware again, still covered in mud but aware of it nonetheless.

Now I’m also reading a book recommended by the program where the subject matter concerns being present and aware of the moment. I was reading part of this during the week, but isn’t it funny how things just seem to coincide. Today I was reading about how the mind attaches its identity to the way things are, and the attachment to them, moreover the resistance to change and how that upsets the identity which then proceeds to complain and resist the change.

Woops it seems that I am still mortal and subject to the insanity of attachment to the things that define my identity. This has happened to me many times, being covered in mud and often leads to despair. What made the difference this time was that I became aware of the mud, it was that simple. Now being mortal and a beginner at this awareness thing, it has taken me a few days to shake it off, but shake it off I have.

Now, what have I learned; well things change, as they do when driving a car, there is no point in resisting change as it is the nature of things to change. I accept that in my car and have no attachment to anything on the road, so why not adopt the same approach to my life.

Do you have any idea how silly I feel right now? My life, my very being only exists now, in this present moment, and everything around me is forever changing, it has to, so why resist it.

It is now my resolve to complete this program and accept that the only things in this mortal life that is truly mine, is this moment and the awareness of self in this moment. I chose to step out of the mud and into the light of the present moment in full awareness of myself.

There was one more treasure identified today, and that is that it is OK to feel unhappy or despair just know it and recognize it, be aware of it.