Loss

It is now Sunday evening and I have not seen my cat since Thursday morning. It seems I may have to accept that my friend of 18 years has left this world. I know he is only a cat, but this particular cat was my close companion, sitting on my lap in the evening and sitting with me at every opportunity. I will miss him and today I find myself in a quiet place of reflection.

Dealing with loss is sometimes difficult, especially when it involves someone close. My own parents are dead, and so are most of my uncles and aunts, only one remains on both sides of the family. However the loss of some people is more difficult to accept than others. I watched my own parents grow old and when they passed the affect was minimal. I don’t wish to sound cold, but I knew them both as health active adults, and it was hard to see them fade away and slowly lose their grip on life. A few years ago a close aunt passed away, this, I noted, had a far greater impact on me than my own parents. It took some time but I realized that this aunt represented a reference point in my life, a lighthouse by which I could navigate.

The loss of my close friend ‘the cat’ has once more brought home to me the feelings of loss. That it cuts deep into my heart and leaves me in a quiet place or reflection. The empty food bowl, the greetings I got when I arrived home, the cat quietly sitting on my lap, purring, and demanding food.

There is more change happening in my life also, the wheel of life is turning, some doors are closing, while others are opening up. Acceptance is the key so I am advised. Acceptance that life is a wheel that turns, change is inevitable, so why do we cling on to old stuff, habits, and beliefs, even the ones that do not work. I know that I resist change. I like things to remain the same. I call it security by familiarity. I like the new stuff, new family members, and new movies. Yet when it comes to loss it is still difficult to accept and I resist it.

Several months ago, I willingly embarked on a completely new way of living. One that excites me, it also at the same time terrifies me. There is personal risk involved when change is brought about in big movements. So why, when I want it so much, does it scare me so. When change happens it also includes loss, we step into the unknown from the familiar to the unfamiliar. There have even been days when the very thought that change may result in the loss of the one I love, prevents me from making the very change that enables me to love her more. How is that for resistance? I could go through life resisting all the good things through fear of losing them and envy those who do.  

The other day, a mentor of mine asked me to think on Envy. Well I immediately went away thinking how the heck can I do that with any great success? Well as it turns out, now I can see that fear of loss and envy, are two sides of the same coin. I have lived most of my life holding on to what I have and at the same time envy those who have what I desire. In other words, I cannot have what I want when I fear losing what I have. Progress or Growth can only occur by passing from one door to the next, and yes we risk losing everything we have in doing so but cannot grow unless we do.

When all said and done, and the account book of my life is brought before my maker, the only thing I take with me is what I have learned and the sum total of my thoughts and deeds. Am I to meet my maker and confess that I did nothing through fear of loss and that I spent all my life in envy of others and did not honor my own self. Ouch.

What defines me is not what I own, or even who I have loved. I am defined by the love I have in my heart and the use of the gifts given to me by my maker. I am not defined by my memory, only that I am the sum total of my thoughts and deeds.

To my old friend, the cat, thank you for being my faithful friend for 18 years, and for teaching me the meaning of loss and envy. Through his passing, I have been taught that fear of loss and envy are just two sides of the same coin. Because I cannot envy those who have what I have no fear of losing. That loss is a natural part of growth, if I fear loss I cannot grow.

The life force

 

I have been reading a book entitled ‘In Resonance with Nature’. In the first few chapters it is describing the energy fields of pants and trees. Up until Easter, I would have read this book and written it off as a load of naturalistic babble, written by an outright base tea drinking, tree hugger. That is how cynical I was, now however it is a different story. I have felt the power of the elementals from the place where water, air and land join, in the parks where grand Oaks stand. I have felt it in good places that lift the spirit and dark places that drain the spirit. There are defiantly forces out there, all around us, in nature where things are alive.

In the book it describes how to read the health of a stand of trees or a forest, by the strength of the field the trees give off. If the stand is healthy the field from each tree extends and overlaps with adjoining trees which forms a combined force, if the trees are not healthy then the fields’ contract and they lose their combined strength which allows disease or competitive life to intrude. When the force is strong the trees form a barrier to unwanted life.

During the week, instead of going to a business group meeting, I took a walk through Albert Park in the CBD. Walking around the park, I walked up to each tree and stood with my back to it. Some trees were indifferent, some were not. The Pohutukawa, a native of New Zealand, is, I think, a nurturing tree, kind and loving and has a soft warm field. The Oaks however, every single one, draw me in and held me in a warm embrace, which I can only describe as faint without the nauseas feeling.

Today I walked through the Auckland Domain, or a portion of it, with my loved one, first a stand of Pohutukawa, then a stand of Burch, and then a large stand of Oak trees. Standing in the middle of the Oaks, some 30feet from any one tree, we could still feel the strong embrace.

According to the book and my rather knowledgeable friend, all life has force, and Oak for instance have a single energy force they use to communicate and learn from, a collective life force, If you like. Of this I now have no doubt, natural places and trees and all life have a life force. Animals too, have a life force, Humans being no exception.

Places have memory and collect energy. A good place feels good, plat life thrives, and people feel good and leave a ‘good feeling’ trace behind. Dark places are the opposite, and generally plants don’t thrive there either.

I saw that this weekend, being in three different places in one day. The first house is filled with love and light, consciously created and nurtured for the health and wellness of its occupants, the second place was a historic place where no one lives, however there are visitors every day, the house felt good but empty. Then the third place, where there has been recent tension and a teenager playing war games on Xbox in the lounge, this place was horrid to visit in contrast, and I could not wait to get out of it.

This part is simply extraordinary, before we left, we cleansed the house with light to restore its good feeling, and you might think this hocus-pocus. Today I return to this house and it feels much better, it is where I live, so I also filled it with the love and positive energy collected in the Domain from the Oak trees. Now it feels good and clear.

It seems I have either become a base tea drinking, tree hugger, or it is fact and real. I have seen and felt first hand, demonstrated in physical form, that every living thing is subject to a life force, and that places have memory, and that we can leave behind either good thoughts (light) or bad thoughts like disregard or anger (darkness).

All life is interconnected and dependant on the environment, both seen and unseen, for its own health and well being. This comes back to a balance. Live will always find balance, the question is; is it a good balance? Can we continue with this mindless existence, we are only just becoming aware of polluting the atmosphere with toxic byproducts, but what of our own human collective conscious, can we continue this madness, mindless existence of greed and ignorance, destroying and consuming the very planet that supports us, polluting the collective consciousness with greed, anger, self interest. What if our life force is becoming weaker, what if it is already sick. What if it is too late to save? This is too much for me to ignore or to blindly walk away from.