Fulfillment

In a previous post I worked through the feeling of emptiness and how profound the feeling was, well now I wish to talk about the feeling of Fulfillment and how profound and complete the feeling is.

With reference to that previous post, I have since obtained a Stereo and several CDs, some pottery, even an antique cabinet which gives me visual pleasure along with my Mother’s paintings. So I am pleased with the progress in creating my own environment.

However at this point I realize that reference is due to several previous posts because many things have changed in the last few months.

The trip to Algies Bay was cathartic, to say the least because to be welcomed with open arms and embraced by the spirit of the place was wonderful at the time and turns out also healing. This is the point at which I forgave myself and found acceptance of myself, for if the spirit of that place can love me so much then I surrender to it.

I also wish to reference the posting about the balance of life in which I sort a balance within my own life, well it seems that I have found that balance and inner peace with it.  May be it is part of the healing and opening up to life and acceptance of myself, but all the inner chatter, self doubt, and self loathing has subsided and in its place is the total acceptance of self and inner piece of the like I have never known.

Which brings me to a question; why after so many years of turbulent weather is the weather of life now so calm and warm. The realization that ‘As we view ourselves so we view the world’ is true because from the very moment my view of myself changed so too did the view of all things around me.

I could pass the credit on to ‘the loved one’ but I know within myself that I cannot fix anyone else, not even my own children, so she did not do this. However herein lies a conundrum, I did not plan this, nor did ‘the loved one’ so did it happen by change, a random collection of events that sparked at just the right time in the right sequence, or is there a force that guides us, presenting us with opportunities, choices that lead us to grow. Ouch, I know that is a big pill to swallow, if you’re a confirmed skeptic as I was. However I do feel that the events of 2012 from start to finish was guided, actually I would like to use a stronger phrase here but chose not to because in all if this there is free choice.

Sorry that was a little rabble, if we are guided buy an unseen force then we also need to listen for the guidance and be receptive enough to recognize the hand of guidance. If this is true and my journey in the last 14 months has been guided to a place of healing, then is it possible that we are also instruments of guidance put in places to help others. I now know this to be true with complete faith. This part is difficult to put into words so bare with my clumsy elaboration. I now know that I have been guided to this place of piece by a loving hand, and that the more open and accepting I am to that hand the more loving it becomes. I felt that hand at Algies bay and several times since.

Love comes from within and must be within before we can give. Here is the lovely part, only when I surrendered to love did I receive it and along with it came inner peace, serenity and strength. Real strength can be found in this place, male strength. Any fool can don armor and go into battle, but standing naked in battle takes strength which can only truly be found within from a place of love. One more thing, without inner love, I stood alone and required armor, with inner love I am never alone and have the strength to stand naked, that is open and loving.

A few months ago several events coincided that lead me to write this little passage.

Well today I had an Epiphany, that as life throws things at us that shatter the dull calm and tranquility that seems to grow when there is an excessive lack of inspiration, there is the discovery of new and exciting seeds that seem to move in as if carried by the wind and settle at our feet, we only need water them with love and watch them grow.

This marks the entrance of ‘The loved one’, the seed. I know believe this is by the hand of guidance and as I have shifted and grown, so has the love.

As the love within me has grown so has the love for this oak tree. Metaphorically speaking the love within me is the water, this water is now filled with love and light and the more I water the oak, the more water there is and the richer it becomes. This seed now stands as a grand oak tree.

At the same time my seed was also sown in the same fertile ground and as I have allowed this seed to grow, by opening up to the love within and the abundant water from the oak, my pohutukawa now stands strong.

In shedding armor and opening up to the love within I have found fulfillment in the love of another. The two trees now stand side by side protecting and watering each other with roots intertwined yet standing as two independent trees. It is ironic that in surrender I found the strength to stand naked and in doing so found a love greater than I have ever know both within and without.

Thanks to the guiding force and the power of love

A place I know that knows me

 

Yesterday was this countries national day and a Wednesday so I took a day trip up north with the loved one. I expected one of those day trips where you rush around take a few photos, drink some coffee and come back burnt and tired, even in the company of love. To my delight this was not the case, as this day brought home to me how much I have opened up my feelings and my heart and most importantly have slowed my mind down enough to notice the present, what is happening now and how I feel about it.

What has prompted the change is not for public knowledge but I will share what has happened, I have in three months undergone a transformation, well more like peeling away a coat of armor that I have warn for a very long time, probably over 30 years. The difference now is that I can feel, feel happy, feel sad, feel love, and with the help and guidance of the loved one, I have also found a place of strength within myself. This new place allows me to be strong and open, but also still function as an adult when I must. This is such a wonderful space to be in.

The day begans with a trip to a small settlement just shy of Workworth called Puhoi, which is famous for its pub. We called in to the Cheese factory and drank some coffee. At this stage I am happy and content to be in this place and time, it is nice; we walked around for a while and talked a bit. Then we drove on to Workworth and took in an old Cement factory that is by the river where the now unused land has been turned into a marina. I am still happy to be in place and time and in the company of love but in full control.

On to Workworth for a coffee and a bite to eat and look at a restored scow by the river, such a beautiful place to be, while eating my lunch a sparrow came within a foot of my feet, I started to get the notion that today was going to be special.

Then we drove off to the main event of the day, Algies Bay. This is a place that my parents built a cabin in the mid 1950s and is where I spent many, many holidays pursuing the pleasures of childhood. Both my parents were primary school teachers and they would spend many holidays at the beach including 6 weeks in summer. Apparently I took my first steps at this place and the family kept it until the early 1970s when the land was subdivided and sold. Being teachers they also moved around a bit, but this place remained constant, a place that was ours. I would have been 15-17 when they abandoned it.

I have returned there three times since, the first two times it was interesting and notable that the very spot where our cabin was, has been reserved and not sold. This visit however, as we drove toward the beach, we pass a nearby beach and get a gimps of the bay from the road; this is a Kawau Bay from the road at Snells Beach. This view from the car for only a few seconds was enough, a well of emotions hit me, it is doing it again as I type this.  

 

This is my bay, not a place I call home, but a place of childhood memories so vivid and clear and full of love and fun. We drove on to Algies bay and parked the car at the north end of the beach and walked on the sand, rocks and grass verge, on down to the south end. The beach and land has changed but parts of the beach are instantly recognizable, like the big old Pohutukawa trees that marked the boundary between the North and South end of the beach, these trees were the climbing tries, where many hours were spent climbing their limbs or just playing in the sand below.

Just a little way further, instinct told me I was there. When the cabins were there, we would walk down the steep hill and come out of a gate on to a safe part of the beach. This was my part of the beach.  At every stage in this walk at each point of recognition I get a swell of emotion, at times too much hold in. We walked around for a bit, and then we noticed a path that leads up the hill to the road. On the way we passed by a cabin where an interesting old man greeted us, we stood and chatted for a while as he told is tail. On the move again up to the road, I turned to walk south as I knew our cabin would have been in that direction. After a short walk I notice a drive way that was not sealed and went upward, this must be it or very close. Nervously I walked up the drive, I knew the very place where our cabin was, was held by the Algies as it was the best section in the entire beach. As I reached the top of the drive, to my delight it was still vacant, apart from a few tents. Then I took in the location, is it possible to convey the feeling of coming home, after a 21 year absence, being welcomed by the spirit of the land with arms held out in love and joy to welcome me home.  This is the one place that I can truly say ‘I know this place and it knows me’.

What made this day special was that I was so open and present in the moment so that I could hear the land speak to me, feel its spirit. I give thanks to those who made this day possible and to my family who gave me these precious and powerful memories of security and love.

To continue telling you about the rest of the day seems futile and unimportant, as I spent the rest of the day in a very good place regardless of location or activity, just enjoying each moment and the company of love.

Photo courtesy of Google Earth.