Emptiness

Yesterday someone significant moved out of my home and my life which I am happy about, what bothered me was the emptiness of the house by the end of the day. All of the familiar things in the home were gone, whole rooms empty. It left me with a profound feeling of being alone. I decided to write down my thoughts to see if I could work it through.

Being alone has bothered me in the past but after some contemplation on the matter I came to an understanding of why. There is a difference, in my mind, between solitude and seclusion. Sometimes in the company of others, I get the urge for seclusion even if it is to stand quietly on the sideline immersed in thought, or to be quietly somewhere on my own but knowing that I can return to company and embrace the warmth of human companionship. Solitude is almost the opposite, where I am alone and must seek the company of others and in the past this has been a devastating and destructive way for me to live. I wish to change that now but first I have to understand solitude and why I fear it, so that I can work through it.

Solitude or living alone can exist even in the company of others, I have felt alone while living and working with other people. Do I just have that sort of personality that needs a close companion, or is there something lacking in my own environment, my universe that leaves me with an empty feeling. The latter part of that statement came crashing home to me yesterday, when the house got emptied, what remains is mine, my world the things that are mine. Apart for the practical things like the kitchen and bedroom, and the computer, there is nothing left, only emptiness.

Last night I received an invitation to spend the evening with a close friend who knew I was feeling sad. The offer was very attractive but I realized that I would be avoiding the feeling rather than confronting it, so I declined the offer and instead went out and bought some food and made myself a nice meal. The act of doing something positive for myself, felt good and the sadness and aloneness seemed to melt which allowed me to end the evening in a positive and strong way.

There is one constant in life that I cannot escape regardless of who is around me and that is the company of myself. In the past I have not always enjoyed my own company, I can be quite self critical which has the effect of not having the confidence to seek the company of others because I am not good company, I would be a burden to them, a self fulfilling prophesy if you like.

This morning I woke, had breakfast, and mowed the lawn then had a shower. Food and exercise is always a good start the day, then sitting quietly on the back step I decides to write a list of the things I like, the things that would make my environment a nice place to be. I cannot recall ever doing this or ever creating an environment that pleases me.

Here is the list I wrote:

·         Pottery

·         Music

·         Roman / Greek sculpture

·         Pillows / large cushions

·         Visual pleasure

·         Image of an Eagle

·         The colour Teal

This may be a simple list and no doubt it will grow but in writing the list I realized that being alone is an opportunity to create an environment that is mine, surrounding myself with things that I like, things that give me pleasure. Why it has taken me so long to work this out escapes me at this moment, because it is so simple.

If I am to be, then I wish to be happy and comfortable in my own company, to do this I must create an environment that pleases me, that defines me, a place I call home, a place I do not fear. From this place I can interact with others when I chose too and not because I need too.

I am a strong person with deep feelings, emotions, and sensitivity. I wish to honor this person by providing an environment that is pleasing, where I can be kind to myself.

On further reflection I have been given the image of standing on the sea shore by a quiet eastern beach at sunrise where the silence is only broken by the gentle sound of each small wave. The feeling that goes with this image is one of quiet reflection and the smallness of my life and that through this sea I am connected to all living things. I have just added ‘The Sea’ to my list. It seems that it is not aloneness or solitude that I fear; it is emptiness, the void.

I have been given a task to fill the emptiness and define an environment with my personality, that reflects my personality. I find the prospect exciting and embrace the process.

Balance of life

Balance of life

In recent weeks I have had the honor of getting to know a new friend, she is truly my equal and my opposite. I don’t think that I have ever seen a person in quite this way before now and it is having a profound effect on me. I know my own depth, strength and journey through life and for the first time I see another person with strength, tenderness, and a person on a journey who is acutely aware of balance in all things, mind, heart, soul, and spirituality. I do not judge this person; I honor her by looking into myself in view of these things.

This brings me to ask about balance in my life, is my life in balance, am I in balance. What does this mean and how can I tell if something is out of balance?

I was sitting on the back step contemplating this question and my mind began to fill with chaotic thoughts all rumbling around like lotto balls. So I decided to write them down while listening to Beethoven’s piano concerto 2 & 3 and see if I could bring some clarity to them.

We are all familiar with the concept of the ‘Balance of Nature’, alter the balance and there is a ripple effect that could continue through the entire food chain, until the balance is restored.

Consider these phrases for a minute in relation to balance.

The Chinese philosophy: yinyang or Yin and Yang. From Wikipedia (Yin and yang)

Literally meaning "shadow and light" -- is used to describe how seemingly opposite or contrary forces are interconnected and interdependent in the natural world; and, how they give rise to each other as they inter-relate to one other.

Yin and yang are actually complementary -- not opposing -- forces, interacting to form a whole greater than either separate part;

Newton’s law of motion:

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”

All of these speak to the balance of equal and opposing or complementary forces. I don’t know about you, but I am not prepared to argue with either of these, let alone the laws of nature.

Balance is important in all things. We live in a modern artificial world which is still sensitive to balance. Our whole capitalistic economy is based on supply and demand and these two forces are opposing yet must also be equal for they depend on each other as individuals, recent world events are testament to what happens when there is imbalance. Any enterprise regardless of size has to be in balance as if it is a living entity, if supply is not in balance with demand the enterprise is not healthy, and this immutable fact applies to everything from the global economy down to the humble household budget including my own personal budget.  

One of America’s Presidents, in his inaugural speech said "Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country". I think this is one of the most important statements in the modern world. He, President John F Kennedy, is saying that each of us should work in service of the greater good not for our own profit, in service for the well being of the nation rather than for one’s self or to quote Spock (Star Trek III) “logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one” If you research this it actually has roots in Plato. I see truth in both these statements. If my mother is sick so am I, if my country is sick or threatened so am I, if my environment is sick so to am I.

If balance is a natural immutable law that applies to the environment and economy, then it stands to reason that we as humans are subject to the same laws of balance regardless of environment. Can we find a balance, a point in which our impact is neutral or even positive? If we are to live in an environment we must find a balance with that environment where both are healthy, otherwise we are consuming the environment in which we live and depend.

Enough said; the point is that the balance of my life force is part of a whole and subject to the same. How difficult is it to identify an imbalance, because the laws of nature and equal and opposing forces will naturally force a balance, the question then; is it a healthy balance. When things are in harmony they complement each other (Yin Yang), they are not conflicting. One example of this is a symphonic orchestra playing a concerto by Beethoven where the conductor must find a balance of harmony and tempo and an environment that complements the acoustics. When the orchestra plays in a balanced and complementary environment the sound is harmonious.

Therefore, to answer the great question of balance, I must look to myself and ask; is my life in harmony, is my life force in balance with my environment, is my environment healthy? If I starve myself of food I suffer, if I feed it bad food I suffer, I must eat a balanced diet. It stands to reason that the same applies to my entire being and to the environment in which I live and depend.

I now see that I must first attend to my own health and to check its impact on my environment to reach a balanced and harmonious existence. Then and only then will I have achieved balance, where I can be healthy and my environment is also healthy, where my force has a positive influence on those around me and on the whole of which I am a part.

In conclusion I find that; the value of my life is measured by its contribution to others and the good of the many. The health of my life is checked by the health of my environment. The balance of my life is measured with the harmonic frequency of my environment. The health of my heart is measured by the love I give to others. The health of my soul and spirit I leave in trust to karma and the spiritual world, and trust that the balance of my life leaves a positive contribution to the whole.